COACH KUPCHEK

"Hiatus" is French for "Go read another blog"

2007-01-01T22:52:00.000-08:00

Coach is looking for a new team. Ideally, a team that will pay him for his considerable quantities of AWESOME, and also has some sort of health plan. But any team with snappy uniforms has a shot.

Happy new year!

September, October and November are among the cruelest months

2006-11-25T13:37:00.000-08:00

It's been a rough stretch for the Kupchek household. The fall sports season is always a busy one -- except for the cross country teams, who don't require any coaching at all, because their sport is COMPLETELY non-contact (not just the girls, either) and consists mostly of stretching and throwing up.

But football, of course, requires my full attention. So when Mrs. Kupchek had a prolonged episode of phantom-hysterical pregnancy this fall (the pregnancy is phantom; the hysteria is 100 percent real) it was the brave, nubile young men of my football team who ended up suffering the most.

We did not make it to the playoffs this year.

No, we began the season 1-5, and no matter how many surprise locker room/ shower inspections I conducted, nothing seemed to change our performance. Until complete desperation set in, and I introduced the first 3-quarterback offense in the history of football, we had only scored one touchdown. This unfortunate drought may have been compounded by my refusal to field a kicker, on the grounds that this is America, and America is at war. For much of the season, I had forgotten that I am a strategic genius, and my team paid a hefty price.

By the time I had the good sense to put three QBs on the field (who you gonna guard, Thurgood Marshall High?) we just had too much ground to make up. Also, there was a bit of what the local paper termed a "scandal" involving most of our seniors "hazing" our underclassmen with "bungee" cords, "ping-pong" balls, stray dogs, and "Crisco."

I'm still not sure exactly what happened. I am very tired.

Fortunately, wrestling season is almost upon us. I have a feeling 2007 is going to be kind to the Kupchek household, especially once Mrs. Kupchek returns home from her Secure Facility and the rest of the family is speaking to me again. I can't wait to make good on my New Year's Resolution: to be more resolute. The only way I'll fail is if I quit, and I'm no quitter. I just have to be careful about how my enthusiasm is perceived by others -- my passion for youth sports, widespread surveillance of American citizens, and uniforms -- and my constant search for the "sweet spot," the nexus of all three occurring at once.

Pretty standard stuff, I know, but you'd be amazed how many people can get the wrong idea, and I don't want to get a bum rap, like this guy, for instance. Only God, and the State Scholastic Activities Board, can judge me. And the Homeowner's Association. And, apparently, my own children. How much sharper than a serpent's tooth is the disdainful portrayal of one's true character on the MySpace page of one's child!

Whoa, sorry -- got a little fruity there. Won't happen again. Oh, and to all the hippies who came here to taunt me after the midterm elections, I say: bungee my Crisco-cord, you filthy godless freaks. If our President didn't care what Congress said when it was run by Republicans, what makes you think he's gonna start caring about which gay spotted owls Nancy Pelosi wants to put in charge of national defense?

Morons.

Pick a gender, fish

2006-09-06T09:07:00.000-07:00

I warned you that gay marriage would lead to this. Well, not this specifically, but is it any surprise that these egg-toting "male" bass are living (and presumably partying with disco music, glitter makeup, etc.) RIGHT OUTSIDE WASHINGTON, D.C.?

We need a Constitutional amendment declaring that fish-marriage must be ONLY between a man-fish and a woman-fish. Otherwise, we'll soon have a plague of androgynous frogs hopping up the Capitol steps, croaking for blood and styling products.

Also, Watergate was George McGovern's fault for running so close in the polls

2006-09-05T10:48:00.000-07:00

I've been looking forward to Disney giving me the REAL lowdown on 9/11, via their fine network ABC. (Between sitcoms like "According to Jim," "Yes Dear" and whatever cop show they'll be replacing Monday Night Football with, I anticipate the Kupchek household being filled with ABC, conspiracy theories, and love this fall.)

Needless to say, I am upset with anyone trying to contradict the main thrust of a doubtlessly perfect docudrama -- namely, 9/11 WAS ALL BILL CLINTON'S FAULT.

I knew it! No wonder Our Leader wants to blow up Clinton's library. I say we relocate the library from Little Rock to Tehran. Then we can kill two birds with one really big exploding metal stone.

UPDATE: High school students are going to be graded on their ability to watch this, too. As a sometimes-substitute History teacher, I can promise that this is great news. Movies always "stick" better than books or published commission reports, especially when there are explosions. Extra credit for enrolling in the military by the end of the semester!

Now, if we can just get ABC to stop caving in to the liberal elite and get Mel Gibson's Holocaust miniseries back on track, I'll pledge to spend at least a week at Disney World next summer. I need to change my vacation plans anyway.

Donald Rumsfeld: Steelier than steel, more real than reality

2006-08-29T09:43:00.000-07:00

Man-Secretary Rumsfeld is my favorite senior citizen, ever since Dave Thomas died. We have so much to learn from our elders in this country, like how to sell beef, potato products, and wars. Show 'em how it's done, Don!

Rumsfeld, however, said the U.S. military has already shown its ability to respond to new missions. He noted the military's evacuation of some 15,000 people from Lebanon during the war between Israel and Hizbollah as well as its role in responding to natural disasters, such as Hurricane Katrina last year.

Yes sir! He's never one to disappoint -- 107 years old and still fighting the liberal media with one hand while he disciplines the Arabs with another! The man is so far ahead of his time, it's like he's starring in an episode of Dr. Who. It's been a whole year since the hurricane hit, and nobody else has even come close to calling it a triumph of any sort. They're still focused on identifying bodies and whatnot.

Just wait, though -- 20 years from now, people are definitely going to be associating the war in Iraq with Hurricane Katrina, and drawing comparisons between the two. We'll all be arguing over which one was the best, and whether the war in Iran was even better.

In the meantime, how about another serving of Dr. Don's matchless perspective?

Rumsfeld said there was no doubt the United States could win militarily in Iraq if it stayed the course.

"The important question is not whether we can win. Of course we can win. We won't lose a single battle," he said. "But do we have the will?"

Boom! Bam! Take that, defeatist academics! Eat Rumsfeld, terrorists! You heard what the man said! Soon, we're going to be fighting BATTLES in Iraq! That guerrilla stuff is just about played out. And once we're all lining up in formations, with tanks and flags and drums and fifes and whatnot, America is going to kick some serious tail!

Now, if we can just get Al-Qaeda to field a hockey team, victory will be complete. Provided, of course, we have the will.

UPDATE: He's on a roll! And he's taking the fight to the heart of namby-pamby liberalism: Salt Lake City.

"Can we truly afford to believe somehow, some way, vicious extremists can be appeased?" he asked.

Heck, no! I can't believe the Democrats are even SUGGESTING we appease the terrorists. Seems like a bad move politically, not to mention strategically. I would love to see a list of Democrats who are on the record for appeasement, just for my own reference.

Haven't these cowards ever heard of Churchill, or as he's known in the White House, "Bush 1.0"? He was great! You can look it up.

"Astronomer" is Latin for "Flip-flopper"

2006-08-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

So which is it, science? Does our solar system have eight planets or nine?

You secular, stargazing fence-straddlers make me sick. As if it wasn't bad enough to name the Lord's planets after a bunch of half-naked Roman gods that all seem to specialize in fury and orgies, you keep changing your tune, just because the facts at hand are constantly updated with every new scientific discovery.

Pick a belief and stick with it. For example: I am pro-God, anti-Satan. I'll bet you couldn't even get most scientists to agree with something that simple. They'd be too busy counting "planets."

Emergency! Pink alert! Emergency!

2006-08-24T08:45:00.000-07:00

It's a dark day for Blastocyst-Americans. Thankfully, if a 16 year-old Jezebel thinks her dad's hunting buddy may have knocked her up, she'll still have to sweat it out, or at least tell a doctor how she managed to lead a good man astray, and why she is so eager to reject a Culture of Life. I guess that's better than nothing.

Many social conservatives in and out of Congress have battled to keep the drug from becoming available without a prescription. Some say that could encourage promiscuity, and others say use of the pill causes a very early abortion. Their position had for almost three years trumped an overwhelming medical and scientific consensus that the drug could be safely dispensed by a pharmacist without a prescription.

You're damn right it was trumped. It's called democracy, folks -- if 51 precent of the population votes someone into a position of ever-expanding power, and then that guy appoints some other guy to be in charge of, you know, science, and then THAT guy decides that thunderstorms are God Almighty's flatulent gift to the American Midwest, well, it doesn't really matter what a bunch of scientists with NO campaign funds and NO party machine backing and probably not even very many red neckties say: the flatulent-thunderstorm school of reasoning has the support of the American people. Better luck four years down the road, science!

Also, and seriously, this over-the-counter "Plan B" stuff is discriminatory. I went to the Home Depot this morning to buy it all up, so the women in my area wouldn't be able to purchase it, so Jesus wouldn't hate them (you're WELCOME, ladies), and not only would they not sell me any, they had me escorted out into the parking lot, and all the illegal immigrants waiting for someone to hire them for yardwork were laughing at me and shouting things in some sort of crazy language. I think it was Mexican.

Do court rulings made in the city of Detroit count?

2006-08-17T09:42:00.000-07:00

I sure hope not. I wouldn't want Mr. Cheney to get into any trouble. He's got enough on his plate without having to go to a "judge" for a "warrant" every time he wants to tap into the Al Qaeda hotline.

The right stuff

2006-08-10T15:47:00.000-07:00

It's too bad we Republicans have made up our minds to have an elephant as our mascot, because this bear makes a strong case. He reminds me of Our President:

"People were screaming at him, the horn was going off, but he was completely unaware. He did what he wanted to do, and the people didn't matter."

That's a born leader right there! I'll bet the more effete, liberal bears are always telling him to capitulate to the various special interest groups infesting our great wilderness -- the tree lobby, the grub lobby, the bee lobby, the dirt lobby -- but this bear knows how to stay the course. Although he does seem to have a bit of a drinking problem. Once he finds Jesus I say we run him for Congress.

The liberal media has ruined my 2007 vacation plans

2006-08-08T15:10:00.000-07:00

Thanks a lot, Washington Post. This morning, you get my hopes up with a story headlined "Army Ponders Amusement Venue, Hotel At Ft. Belvoir" -- seriously, I couldn't concentrate on anything all morning, not even Locker Room Inspection, an exercise which usually prompts laser-like focus -- and what happens this afternoon?

You run a story headlined "Army Rejects Proposal for Military Theme Park."

I am very upset right now, so I'm going to cut this short before I blog something I'll blogret. Suffice to say, I would have paid top dollar to ride in an M1-Abrams Tank, blasting away at "simulated" foreigners, and eating $12 Freedom Fries between sorties to the Danger Zone.

I also would have spent freely in the gift shop. I adore uniforms of all stripes.

Bastards.

I will find a way to blame this on the United Nations

2006-08-03T09:27:00.000-07:00

Well, it's happened: they're persecuting my favorite jockey.

Not letting a jockey ride is like not letting a coach blow his whistle. It's cruel and unusual, an affront to the natural order of things. If you give an inch to these horse-appeasers, they'll take a furlong.

Now, emboldened by the jockey's apology, they're taking food out of his mouth -- just for sending a clear message. Namely, "POW!"

So back off, horse-hugging horse-hippies! Daddy needs a new pair of tiny shoes!

Barkley up the wrong tree

2006-07-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

Did you know the head of the Alabama Republican Party is named Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh?

Neither did I. But, being a coach, I do know who Charles Barkley is: a basketball player, who became a Republican politician, who then turned into a COWARD.

Mr. Barkley is considering running for Governor of Alabama, as a Democrat. Why the switch?

"I was a Republican until they lost their minds," he said earlier this month.

That's no excuse. Minds have nothing to do with leadership. Leadership comes from the gut -- and as I recall, Mr. Barkley's gut is substantial.

Those who cross Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh do so at their own peril! If you think losing your MIND is bad, Mr. Barkley, just wait until you see what you have to give up to become a Democrat. Here's a hint: you have two of them, and they rhyme with "nesticles."

Those skies sure are friendly -- a little TOO friendly

2006-07-28T09:38:00.000-07:00

If I wasn't so in love with coaching -- which, make no mistake, is a heroic occupation -- I would be an air marshal. Those guys are awesome! They get to travel across the nation, or at least over the nation, on the lookout for Terror. They're always one trigger-pull away from Instant Hero status, and I'll bet they don't even have to take their shoes off when they go through airport security.

Plus, they're required to place at least one passenger on a secret database per month -- a "watch list" that makes it much harder to fly on commercial airliners. Ideally, these listed passengers are terrorists, but hey, if it's the 30th of the month, and some obese single mother can't get her toddler to shut up, and doesn't even seem to be TRYING, and there's still three hours left until you reach O'Hare, and the pain in your head has gone from dull to throbbing, and you're not allowed to order a drink, so you just keep fingering your shoulder-holster and staring daggers at this air cow from hell, who just claimed to be allergic to peanuts, so now NOBODY GETS TO HAVE ANY PEANUTS, and the toddler just keeps screaming . . . well, some quotas just fill themselves, don't they?

Also, did you know that our air marshals are based out of Las Vegas? You could be shooting a terrorist somewhere over the Midwest in the afternoon, taking a nap over Utah in the evening, and watching Celine Dion's show by nightfall! This is truly a golden age -- or it will be soon, after we have defeated Terror.

Our air marshals are a key component of our inevitable victory over shoe bombers, kosher meal-orderers, whiners, and the like. Personally, I always feel much safer on a plane when I tell myself there is probably a gun somewhere on that plane.

Head-butting: it's the new black!

2006-07-25T09:12:00.000-07:00

I don't think this jockey should have to apologize for anything. Remember: when head-butting is outlawed, only criminals will have heads.

Shut up and eat your pudding

2006-07-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

I would love to make the United States Senate take a lap, or, alternately, give me 15 push-ups. They've really been interfering with our President's efforts to singlehandedly end Terror in the Homeland.

Ever since the liberal media treasonously reported that our government is "spying" on its "citizens" without a "warrant," our President has been forced to deal with the pansified day camp we call the Senate. Apparently, some sort of compromise needs to be reached, so we can get back to fighting the Enemy Within.

Well, the President's proposed a perfectly reasonable compromise: Whatever his administration was doing legally will remain legal, and anything illegal will now become legal. Pretty simple, huh? A solution worthy of Solomon, to a problem I never really understood in the first place.

Problem is, the Senate's not playing ball. Don't they know that every time someone gets in the President's way, Jesus kills a bald eagle?

I guess a bunch of senatorial panties are in a wad just because "The legislation also would lengthen the amount of time the government could spy on alleged terrorism suspects before receiving warrants, and would explicitly affirm the president's "constitutional authority" to conduct spying programs on his own."

Well, it's about time. After Sept. 11, everything changed, including the responsibilities of various government branches. Now, the Executive branch makes the law, the Congress interprets the law via words in a bill that it then votes into law -- thereby saving the Judicial branch from deciding whether or not these laws are in fact Constitutional, since the law itself says "this law is constitutional" -- which leaves the Judicial branch free to eat pudding and watch SportsCenter.

Soon, we'll have a streamlined, efficient government, where all the governing is done by the nation's Commander-in-Chief, and everyone is either safe or in some sort of detention center. The results speak for themselves, people! I mean, have YOU been attacked by terrorists since 9/11? I didn't think so.

The first rule of the United States Special Response Department Anti-Terrorism Unit is you don't talk about the USSRDATU

2006-07-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

In the interest of fighting terror and protecting Freedom, I would like to remind everyone to NEVER surrender your handgun when crossing into Canada. This man made the mistake of checking his 9 mm Beretta with the border patrol, and just because he flashed a badge and claimed to be in the "United States Special Response Department Anti-Terrorist Unit," which doesn't technically exist, they arrested him when he came back for his gun.

This is a travesty. For all the border patrol knows, there really IS a Special Response Department, home to many super-secret agencies, among which is the Anti-Terrorist Unit -- and now we've literally handcuffed one of our terror-fighting tools! This man could go to prison, because, being a true patriot, he knows the USSRDATU will disavow any knowledge of his actions. I look forward to his dramatic rescue, probably via some sort of super-stealth hovercraft that doesn't officially "exist" either.

Also, I think if you've seen every episode of "24," you deserve some sort of badge, and I hope the Secretary of Special Responses is listening to me. I'm guessing it's Spiro Agnew. Mr. Agnew, I'll be checking my mailbox in six to eight weeks.

The purest sports feature colorful helmets

2006-07-18T13:43:00.000-07:00

As a Coach, I admire most sports. As an American, however, I know that there is only one type of football -- and it's not the hands-free mince-off where swarthy longhairs run around in shinguards, jumping all over one another like giddy schoolgirls whenever someone happens to "score" a "goal."

No, soccer is not something I can abide.

So when I read stuff like this, regarding the coverage of a Germany-Portugal "match," or this, regarding the head-butting of Italian "athletes," I am filled with contempt (and not the enjoyable sort of contempt that, say, the liberal media gives me). There's only so much Internet, folks! Let's try to keep our eyes on the ball! Preferably an oval-shaped ball.

Besides, who cares about Germany and Italy? We saved their asses back in World War II, and I'll bet they never even sent us a thank-you card.

Better red than unread

2006-07-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

Already, I have received several thousand electronic mails (or "e-mails") from young leftist punks making fun of my Interweb log. Most of them are pointing out that the color red figures prominently in my design.

"I'll bet you're a closet commie, Coach Pinko," they say. "Why don't you and me and Howard Dean all carpool over to Noam Chomsky's house for some organic bok choy?"

Now, I don't understand most of those words. But I understand "commie." It means "communist," which is someone who HATES AMERICA. Or, also, someone who is Oriental.

Well, I am NOT a communist. I am a Coach. Just because sports involve teamwork, and because there are uniforms, and indivdual sacrifices have to be made for the good of the team . . . well, never mind all that. Just know this: my Interweb log is red because I am proud to represent the RED STATES, otherwise known as the "winning states" or "American States of America." And that is the ONLY message you should take from my color scheme.

Also, I am not Oriental. During this time of year, I am a ruddy, sun-kissed pink, from the tip of my nose to the top of my thighs, where the gym shorts end. Let's see you twist THAT into something deviant, punks!

I am driving the team bus on the "Information Superhighway"!

2006-07-14T21:36:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I came back to my office after my Friday Locker Room Inspection -- which always takes me at least a few hours -- and Coach Garcia was sitting in front of my computer, giggling. He's a younger fellow, so I don't understand many of the things he says, but he explained to me that he's set up an Interweb log, or "blog," with my name on it.

"This way," he said, "you can write down all the stuff you're always yelling at the gym ceiling after practice."

I didn't know Coach Garcia liked to stick around after practice. He's probably smoking reefer under that one section of bleachers we can't get to shut. I'll have to add a Bleacher Inspection Day to my calendar.

Anyway, I'm going to give the Interwebbing a try, because I believe kids these days don't have enough positive role models. And all the kids are constantly thumb-tickling their darn computer phones, stealing iMusic and cartoon pornography and God knows what else all the darn time. Whenever I have to substitute teach a History class (it's the only other subject I'll teach, because there have been lots of uniforms throughout history, and uniforms are a passion of mine) the kids are always reaching into their tiny Japanese backpacks, grabbing their tiny Japanese phones, and saying, "Ohmigod myspace ohmigod MYspace OHMIGOD."

I don't know what that means. But now, I'm on the webspace too, thanks to Coach Garcia. Hi, kids! Maybe I'll put up some history facts for my next substitute lesson! Ha ha!

The Japanese, by the way, have always had terrible uniforms.

My other passion, not surprisingly, is sports. I am a Coach. Also, a leader. Leadership is very important to me -- anyone can tie a string to a whistle and put it around their neck, but it takes a special sort of man to blow with authority. You will see what I am talking about.

One more subject I will address is a popular misconception that often keeps me up until 10 or even 11 p.m. Many people consider politics to be separate from sports. Wacky liberals, for example, and shrill feminist lesbians, and probably the French. (French lesbians are fine, though. I am a Coach, and a Christian, but darn it, I'm also human.) However, I have learned that sports and politics come from the same wonderful place -- one that rewards grit, demands teamwork, and is only fun when you're winning.

Also, the girls tend to stay on the sidelines.

So buckle up, America and any other countries that have the English Interweb! Coach Kupchek has a gameplan, and everyone needs to be on the same page. Otherwise, the terrorists -- who don't even WEAR uniforms -- have already won. Freedom is on the march, and I am blowing the drum major's whistle.